True to Your Heart

I always think it's funny when high-maintenance pretty girls exclaim that they're real. I mean, how do we really know how real they are if they look fake? Fake outward appearance, but real inside? Does it work that way? Everyone tells me that as long as you're true to your heart that the "realness" will show. But does it really? 

Apparently to some, the true-ness in my heart consists of gooey darkness... but if that is how I feel, then isn't it still the truth? The truth never claimed to be pretty. And if I hid my feelings, would that be living a lie? And if I'm living a lie, is that a sin? But what if my heart says to lie to save people pain? Is it my job to save people from pain? What about my own pain? Are other people, who don't take my feelings into account, given priority over my own well being? In the end I have to live with myself... and with all these issues of self worth, esteem and image all coming into play, I question if my feelings and thoughts are worth any value because in all my life they never were.

Aren't we all just playing the parts we are given? Like poor fools who stumble across the stage, waiting for that big break in life. And what if the role is being fake, then are you fake or are you just diligently playing your part? This is why I prefer to be managing backstage... I rather be controlling the spotlight than under its heat. Too much trouble being on stage. Attention only brews discourse. 

Recreation. reCreation. It was a word that I threw contempt at. 30th Anniversary of a tradition drenched in culture... I thought everyone on board this show would be in it to be a LIVE part of history... to make change... to creatively recreate a story of struggle, growth and determination. But no. Mostly everyone was in it for their own advancement, their own spotlight and their own greed. It was one of the very few times in my life when I lost hope in people. It's been five years now since I last cued the lights and sound for that star-crossed lover show... it's been five years since I've looked at that word. 

reCreation.

I think it's time that I face that word once again. Whatever that means, I don't know.