There are so many things that I "need" right now. I had a bit of "saver's" regret after not catching a deal on a new laptop--I literally threw a tantrum... randomly yelling "I'm so mad at myself!!!" every few minutes yesterday for about an hour. My friend, who understands my situation, offered to lend me her laptop for a year or two (thank you, you know who you are!) but I declined. I know very well that her comp would have worked perfectly fine... and I don't plan to run any games on the computer (although I am very tempted to)... but I know that everything is about appearance... I know that the people who will be around me will have the best of everything from a woman's stockings to a man's cuff links... and for once, I don't want to stand out like a sore thumb.
I started getting misty eyed when my mom offered to buy me a watch. My current watch is pretty banged up and it's not savvy to pull out the cellphone every time I need to check the time. It's all starting to pile up... I just feel so guilty... I really do wonder if I deserve to be selfish... Here we are in the midst of a family emergency and my mom asked if she can buy me a stupid watch. What kind of person would I be if I accepted?! But yet, here I am still coveting something shiny and new. And I hate myself for it.
The fear that I have of losing myself in the fray is starting to happen.
And I'm pretty scared.
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