You Are Mine

I will come to you in the silence, 
I will lift you from all your fear. 
You will hear my voice, 
I claim you as my choice,
Be still and know I am here. 


Do not be afraid, I am with you. 
I have called you each by name.
Come and follow me
I will bring you home;
I love you and you are mine. 


I am hope for all who are hopeless,
I am eyes for all who long to see.
In the shadows of the night,
I will be your light, 
Come and rest in me. 


Do not be afraid I am with you.
I have called you each by name.
Come and follow me
I will bring you home;
I love you and you are mine. 


I am strength for all the despairing,
Healing for the ones who dwell in shame
All the blind will see,
The lame will all run free,
And all will know my name.
-"You Are Mine", D. Haas

I went to mass yesterday and broke down (shaking shoulders and all) when this song played. I know that Jesus is with me. I know I'll need His help. But I'm scared that I won't think it's enough. I'm scared that in the moment of weakness I'll give up everything that I worked so hard to attain. Not everyone gets this chance. Not everyone has the balls to put all their chips in. I know that I'm lucky to have my parents (they could've not given me their blessing)... but the guilt that I feel for causing my parents this much sadness (of me being away) is almost unbearable. And the fact that I won't be helping the family financially is causing me so much grief. I can't believe that I am this selfish.

Being from such a big family, you take people for granted. You take the criticisms and comparisons from family members for granted. You take the random friend conversations for granted. You take the jam sessions with the brothers for granted. You take the little nephew for granted. You take the cousins for granted. I didn't know there was a difference between wanting your own time and space, and being absolutely alone. I think I learned the difference too late. 

I know that this will make me a better person. I already have a deeper appreciation for all the things and people I love in California. I just need the strength to make it through. 

Please keep me, and especially my family, in your thoughts and/or prayers. 

...Three more months until Thanksgiving break...