3am

“I think the most common cause of insomnia is simple; it’s loneliness.”

— Heath Ledger 

 

I don't know if it's a real quote (I can't find a reference for it), but I've been seeing it quite frequently lately. With the 2+ weeks of insomnia currently wrecking havoc in my life, I wonder if it's true. 

I just watched an episode of Frasier and it scares me how similar we are. The past few episodes have been about him just being tired of fixing everyone's problems and feeling responsible for the people around him. This in turn doesn't give him time for himself and he wonders if there's anyone out there for him.

I don't know... ambition is a funny thing. I know it's one of my drivers... but I'm just so tired. It's what I want, but necessarily what I need. I just feel like I'm running and I have no where to run to. I might've had some messed up people in my life who affected me, but there's no reason for the self-proliferation of their theories and bad juju around me. I wonder if I'm beyond the point of ever being happy.

In the moments I find myself happy. In the great scheme of things I feel isolated and sad. I feel like if I died no one would care. And that scares me.