Right as Rain

Perfect song for the weather and mood I'm feeling. O_o. 

The light splash reminds me of the tingle in my throat. The stress of everything boils down to physical manifestations... you can call me Gimp, I guess. From the forearm hurting to the bruises that happen to appear out of nowhere... I don't know if these things are just spontaneity at its weirdest or if these things are of my, unconscious and/or intentional, (un)doing.

The forces (by the way, totally need to stop watching Star Wars here... I'm getting too Jungian for my own good... or is it light force?...) within me are just pulling me in opposite directions. I'm supposed to write with purpose, write with the intention of objection--and here I am actually scared of what people might say. People have called my stuff inappropriate and shouldn't be allowed to go into production (thank you, Bosses, for believing in my story and for refusing my edited/sugarcoated version of my skit)... I've faced worse criticism and yet, here I am, afraid to speak my mind.

I hope this goes away soon... I'm expected to actually write opinions and critiques in the next few months and the last thing I need is failing at something that I thought I was decent at.

Cruella DeVille

Spent a lot of time watching movies this weekend. Spent a lot of time crying as well. Ahaha. Aside from my aching left forearm, the movies that were on were RomComs--hence the crying. 

But I think the interesting thing was that the main characters in all the romantic comedies I watched were anti-protagonists... or at least in my mind they were. Seriously flawed characters. One in particular, Jane, tugged on my heart strings. Does what she's told... all the time... always helpful... and then she snaps (implodes is more like it) at her sister in one of the biggest moments of her life. After the big ordeal her best friend confronts her, she defends herself saying that "You always told me to stand up for myself..." and her best friend quipped back, "Yeah, but what you did was unleash 20 years of resentment..." 

Funny, right?! I like imperfect characters... they're the best ones to read about--they're the most real and the most rounded. Maybe it's because all my life I've had people tell me what my flaws are that I sympathize with a seriously flawed character.

Maybe it's because I try to be cognizant about people's stories and perception... maybe it's because I've learned to play the roles that everyone has given me... but I understand that just because you're the hero (or victim) in your own story doesn't mean that you can't be a villain in someone else's. Hell, sometimes I'm a villain in my own story! I feel like people should acknowledged their dark sides... it exists. Denying that it exists only makes the dark side stronger. (Ahaha... sorry, I just watched Stars Wars today.) 

"The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist." 

-Verbal Kint, The Usual Suspects

Just something to think about before you profess your innocence...

Back In Black

It's been a week. And I can no longer stay away. Compulsions. Delusional reality is my game, but at least it is not a delusion of grandeur.

THIS is my blog. While I can fashion myself a new one... this particular url is of my pen name... a name that means more to me than my real name because for once in my life it had no ties to anyone I didn't want it tied to. And even though this name is now stained it is still mine. As Shakespeare once wrote, "A rose by any other name would still smell as sweet" and still have its thorns.

Cristal Phantom. I am clear, but don't exist. I am loud, but never speak. I am bold, but also scared.

Cristal Phantom. I am rage that seeps out of my pores. I am alone like the ugly duckling. I am defiance in the road less traveled.